Alone

14:04 Checking CSC Just saw someone on Xiaohongshu say that the results for the CSC (China Scholarship Council) program in the Americas region have been released. I nervously checked immediately, but nothing yet. I’m still quite anxious—worried about the Emergency Management Bureau’s upcoming inspection, concerned that the Gui’an announcement might drop soon and schedule a physical exam, and now also stressing over the CSC results. 14:19 Can’t Stop Thinking About the War Ever since learning about the military actions between Iran and Israel, I can’t help but constantly refresh social media for updates during my free time. Maybe it’s a survival instinct, but as an individual, I can only be a bystander, which somehow deepens my anxiety. ...

I didn’t do anything today. Got up in the morning and cooked a big bowl of rice noodles. The noodles were bought yesterday, but since the weather is hot and they won’t keep for long, I decided to finish them all today. At noon, I cooked another big bowl and fried two eggs, ending up stuffed. I really should eat less in the future. In the afternoon, I still didn’t do anything. I felt a bit anxious about the CSC results, the Emergency Management Bureau results, and the Gui’an results, so I checked them over and over again. ...

10:07 Organized Some Files The Vault folder was a bit messy, especially the Obsidian templates and project folders. Did a quick tidy-up and also added a reading log template to encourage myself to read more. 11:00 Feel pretty good Today, my body feels fine with no discomfort, which has lifted my mood quite a bit. The courier called to notify me to pick up my ID card. After retrieving it, I strolled to the market and bought rice noodles, spinach, and cilantro. I ended up cooking too much rice noodles and ate until my stomach was bulging. ...

Morning In the morning, I watched some English videos for a while and played some games. I steamed and ate the rice cakes I bought yesterday, and then, before I knew it, noon had passed without me realizing what else I had done. Afternoon This afternoon, I read Letter from an Unknown Woman. I listened to the audiobook1 while following along with the English translation I bought on Duozhuayu. The narration of the audiobook was very emotional and captivating, so I finished it quickly. Since I’m not yet very familiar with English, I suspected I might have missed some details. So I searched further, thinking of checking others’ interpretations, and came across this video2. ...

It might have been the unclean food I ate yesterday, but I woke up this morning feeling dizzy and groggy. Taking a shower didn’t help, and my stool was a bit loose too. I just lay in bed until noon, not even wanting to eat. By the afternoon, I felt so unwell that I forced myself to go out for a walk, though I was completely drained of energy. Passing by a rice cake shop, I noticed hundreds of stacked steamers inside and thought the cakes must be good. I bought one, broke off a piece, and it turned out to be quite tasty. ...

Today was slightly better than yesterday. In the morning, I spent some time studying the manual for Dwarf Fortress. It’s still quite complex and requires further review. Regular exposure to and use of English gradually familiarizes me with the language, even if it’s just through gaming. Yesterday and today, I looked into the requirements for applying for a student visa. Money remains a significant hurdle. But I don’t care too much anymore—I’ll leave it to fate. At this point, I’m not as eager to go abroad as before. Facing reality is more important. As Teacher Liu said: for ordinary families, studying abroad is almost an impossible path. Maybe things will improve if I work harder in the future. ...

Recently, I’ve been feeling unusually anxious, and it’s hard to describe this state. I’ve already started anticipating the rejection of my CSC application, looking forward to the stability of starting a regular job. At noon, Yao Dong called me to discuss work-related matters and mentioned that Professor Cai is also planning to study abroad, saying that upon returning, he could supervise Ph.D. students. Later, I came across a video by Geng on Bilibili, where he talked about wanting to pursue a Ph.D. in his 50s. I think it’s a great idea. The current issue is whether our abilities can support us in leading a relatively stable and smooth life. ...