Alone

10:24 Anxious All Morning Feeling discontent with the current situation and uncertain about the future inevitably leads to anxiety. When will life reach its conclusion? Is death truly the only endpoint? The rankings for the Emergency Management Bureau interview have been released, which has significantly boosted my confidence. Link: Announcement of Comprehensive Evaluation (Interview) Results Ranking for the 2025 Talent Recruitment of the Affiliated Institutions under the Liupanshui Emergency Management Bureau 20:03 Studying The Great Learning My teeth have been hurting all day, likely due to the medication I’ve been taking. Fortunately, my eyes aren’t as uncomfortable as they were yesterday. ...

09:52 Feeling Anxious Again In the past, I tended to prepare and arrange daily study plans because I couldn’t go abroad due to financial constraints. But if the CSC scholarship is approved and I can go, things like English proficiency will become extremely important. Some research tools can be temporarily set aside, but I must set aside time every day to study English. 15:08 Check the Vendor’s Overall Appearance Before Buying A few days ago, I bought some corn and immediately noticed it wasn’t great, but I had already picked two, so I reluctantly bought them. I also noticed the vendor was selling loquats and bayberries, neither of which looked fresh. ...

Summer has arrived, and I’ve been waking up quite early in the mornings, unable to fall back asleep, which feels a bit uncomfortable. After studying briefly in the morning, I felt drowsy again. Tomorrow, Xiaoyi has an interview with the Emergency Management Bureau, so he came to stay at Niuwa’s place tonight. We had a meal together and went to find Deng Ya and the others. In the evening, Huanhuan’s house was filled with relatives. I called and messaged her, but she didn’t respond promptly. I knew she was once again facing pressure from all those relatives, and there was nothing I could do about it. ...

After sharing my emotionally draining thoughts with Huanhuan last night, I felt much calmer today. Recently, I’ve started leaning toward hoping that the CSC (China Scholarship Council) will reject my funding application. There are two main reasons for this: First, I can already foresee that the next few years abroad would likely be quite painful, and because of this, the prolonged lack of a stable job has been weighing on me for a long time. Second, I’ve begun to fear the prospect of long-term separation from my loved ones, family, and friends. ...

A few days ago, my older brother went to Henan for a university classmate’s wedding. Yesterday afternoon, he called me to share what he had learned, mainly about the cost-effectiveness of studying abroad, the difficulties of studying overseas, the challenges of growing older, and the situation after returning to China. I was already aware of these things, but hearing him reiterate them made me even more anxious. Last night, when I video-called Huanhuan, I sensed she seemed a bit down. I asked her what was wrong, but she said it was nothing. ...

Xiaoyi was coming to Shuicheng today and sent me a message early in the morning saying she was about to arrive. I got up, took a shower, and quickly cooked a bowl of noodles for breakfast. I packed a zongzi (sticky rice dumpling) for her and headed out. Today, we were going to the Emergency Management Bureau for a qualification review. After finishing the review around noon, I took her to try some xiaoguojuan (a local rolled snack) and Yuan Kun’s mutton rice noodles. After that, she returned to Guiyang. On my way home, I bought some waxberries and, upon seeing a vendor selling bamboo shoots, picked up two as well. ...

I stayed up late last night just to tinker with my phone’s TTS and text-to-speech functions. Before I knew it, it was past 1 a.m., and I knew most of the morning would be wasted. Around 8 a.m., the Emergency Management Bureau called for a qualification review, so I quickly cleared my throat and answered. After that, I couldn’t fall back asleep, so I got up, took a shower, did the laundry, and made breakfast. ...